Since I'm alone at The House I think I would like to take the opportunity to update everything in my life. Maybe this will bring closure or at least some kind of peace in my mind.

A lot of things have been happening to me lately. It's been real crazy. I've been up and down. I feel like I'm on a never-ending emotional roller coaster. I've been real depressed lately because I got kicked out of school. Yes, I got kicked out of school. I finished with an associates degree at Southwestern. Worked my ass off every single semester with maxed out units, and never had a real summer because I had a full load then too. At least everything paid off because I got accepted to SDSU. Yay! I think I should've slowed down my pace though because when I got into State I had 12 units again. A few of the reasons for that was because, well first, I wanted to keep up with my pace... I wanted to graduate "on time". You know the pressure... parents, keeping up with friends, and yourself. I put a lot of pressure on myself. Another reason why I had 12 units was because I started working for the county and they required you to have 12 units when you're a student worker there, so technically I HAD to take 12 units. For some reason I REALLY kicked back during my first semester, it could be that I was lazy, it could be that I was burned out, or it could be that I just thought I deserved to kick back because I've gone so far, but I screwed up on my first semester and landed on AP. So stupid me, I got kicked out of the County cause I didn't finish twelve units and then they said I had a chance to come back as long as I finished 12 units. So... I took 12 units again Spring semester even though I was on AP because I wanted to go back to my job at the county which had been the greatest part time job that I've ever had. And I landed back on AP spring semester. Believe me, I really tried during spring semester. I guess I didn't try hard enough and now I'm kicked out of State. I won't be able to apply there until Fall of 2003.

So...

I couldn't attend summer school either this semester. So one night at dinner, which was last Wednesday, May 29. I told my dad that I dropped my ONE class for the summer. Now, I wasn't planning to tell my parents about getting kicked out of school until after that weekend because I was throwing a birthday party for my boyfriend on that Saturday, June 01. But my dad asked me if I dropped my class becuase of my grades. I thought that I could look at him in the eye, and just lie to him and say that I didn't even know about my grades yet, but I didn't. I just said, "I passed all my classes." but he could read my face and my face revealed everything that I had been feeling during the week that I found out I was no longer an SDSU student.

Since I found out about my grades the week before, I could not think about anything else. I talked to a counselor. I emailed my teachers checking to see if my grades were accurate. Everything. I was completely depressed. Every night I would cry. Everytime I would talk to Shawn I would cry. Sleep became my best friend. I would sleep so that I could escape from my current situation. It would also make the day go by faster. It helped me move on. I tried to keep busy the whole day. I didn't tell anybody that I got kicked out of State. How could I? There was so much expectations... I heard it everyday... "You're a role model for you younger brother and sister. They look up to you." "You're Ate Rosanna, is doing good... you should do what she does." "Dang Roe, you're going to graudate on time." "I know you'll do good, you've always have..." I felt like a failure. I felt like a total loser. I felt like everything I worked so hard for just went down the tubes and washed away forever. I felt like I reached a dead end and there was no turning back. I felt like crap. I felt like I let everyone down. Especially my mom. My mom believes that I would someday be great and if she knew what I knew... she would be so disappointed and even hurt. She'd blame herself somehow. (Ha, I get a lot from her.)

So when my dad asked me about my grades... all that emotion that built up showed in my face and I looked down in shame. My dad was pissed (and I didn't even tell him about getting kicked out of State). He gave me a choice... either I leave the house (as in permanently) or I break up with my boyfriend. You see, when my dad found out about my grades for Fall semester, he took everything away, I couldn't go out, I couldn't have friends over, I had to "turn in" my cell phone every night, and I couldn't watch t.v. Hence the name of my blog. So basically my dad thinks that the reason for my "downfall" was my boyfriend. So he wanted to give me a choice where I would lose either way. It was bad. He didn't understand the depression that I had been going through and the choice that I had to make. I guess by that time, i just couldn't take it anymore and I broke down crying. He told me to stop crying and to get away from his presence... but I kept crying. He repeated his command, and I said..."Well I thought you were kicking me out." I said that because I was tired of everything. I was tired of being sad, worried, dissapointed, scared. I was tired of crying, being depressed, and listening to my dad. I guess I just gave up.

My response to my dad put him into a mad rage... he was so pissed. Ultimately he told me to leave the house.

I walked down my driveway clutching my purse... no jacket... slippers on... but surprisingly I wasn't crying. I called Shawn and asked him to pick me up. I had walked all the way up to Nye Elementary when he found me and when I got into his car I broke down crying. I cried and cried. I cried for everything I lost and for everything I wanted in life. We stayed parked in his car for a good 30 mins while I calmed down. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know if should go back home or if I should get a motel and stay there for the night. I didn't want to call any friends because I didn't want to burden them with a sob story. Eventually I called a couple of friends but Shawn's parents opened their home for me that night. I can't thank them enough. His parents, especially his mom, had been really supportive.

(Side note: I have to make this quick... will put more details later...)

Now I'm here at my sister's Godparents house which is down the street. I'm staying away from my dad for a while... I have my own room. I don't know how long I'll be here but I kinda want to prove to my dad that I can make it on my own. I come "home" once in a while but it's different. I miss the rest of my family though. I really really do.

Things have been better though and I'm feeling a lot better. I don't know... we'll see how everything goes...